You can not see me!!

You may have noticed, or not, as the case may be, my lack of training for the past couple of weeks. This certainly is not voluntary! I still have my absolutely awful wheelchair. This thing has now given me a multitude of injuries! A torn rotator cuff. Tendonitis in both shoulders. Sprained wrists and swollen hands. Also, lower back pain. So as I can not get about any other way without a considerable amount of pain (unless I develop the ability to regrow a limb!), I keep using it for every day use, which in turn, keeps the damage going!

So now im trying to use my prosthetic more. My pain is a permenant 6/10 at the moment. When the leg goes on this becomes an immediate 8/10 (oh, the joys of CRPS!). But im nothing but stubborn. So I will now keep it on until I cant tolerate any more (sshhh, dont tell my physio!). Im trying to train myself to cope with, and deal with more pain. So that a semi normal life may one day be possable. So one way or another at the moment, I cannot sleep. Its either the shoulders waking me up, or the CRPS. Im getting a little fed up with not sleeping. Its just rather annoying. So, training in my chair is impossable at the moment. Im hoping that the chair I need will arrive one day. The British legion and BLESMA have said that they will help. Which is just amazing. Im not one to ask for help to be honest. I dont like asking at all. But when it comes to my mobility, which is already rather terrable, being compromised even more, then help is necessary.

So my challenge is now becoming a challenge, within a challenge. Getting the chair as soon as possable, so that I can resume training, so that the date ive set for LEJOG can still stand. Now, anyone who knows me well, will know just how stubborn I am, and I am determined to make this all happen. Even though there is alot against me at the moment. Im my experance though, nothing in life comes easy. Some people seem to have a nice easy time of things. I know people who have. They need something, and there it is. But Ive never been one of those, and its ok. I dont mind. If I have to wait, and fight for things, then thats ok. As long as its not to the detriment of others.

Something funny (strange, not ha ha) that ive noticed recently, is that apparently if you dont wince, whine, screw up your face, shout out, moan or make some obvious display of pain, then aparently, you dont have any. At least thats what ive been told. I dont like to make a fuss. I dont like to make a show. When im in pain, which lets face it, is an everyday occurance, I wont go about showing everyone, or telling everyone. I dont mind if others do, as we all have our way, and coping stratagies. Mine is absolute denial! If I ignore it, it will go away! But to be told that my pain isnt that bad, in comparison to others, is to be frank, bloody rediculous. Pain is not a contest, and it is completely incomparable. Maybe I should sit and cry in public. Whining and moaning to myself! Then will it be acceptable to realise that my pain is real! As for those that try to tell me that they are in more pain than I. What the heck is that about? Again, is it a competition? Well, anyone with CRPS will know who the winner is here! Try to google the worse pain a human being ca go through, the top 2 answers are CRPS and amputation! There we have it plonkers! Us folk are in absolute agony, alot of the time. I hate that I feel the need to explain myself to people. I wish that I could go back to before my 1st surgery, and never have had it done. But I cant. Life has handed me this path for a reason. I have no choice, but to follow it and see why? I think everything happens for a reason. Im yet to see what the CRPS is for, but im sure I will find out one day.

While im discovering the meaning of life, pain and stuff, I hope to get back to training soon.

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