Truth about training with chronic pain conditions…

When I began this blog a few years ago, I wanted to tell my story of what my new life was like as a below knee amputee. It then began to converge into a blog about having crps again, and the changes that meant for my life. Along the way, I hoped to inspire and help others suffering with the same and similar conditions, that being disabled isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t have to be. Yes we all get really bad days. I’m having one today. But the main focus of this was to be brutally honest about what my new life is like. Somewhere along the way I have listened to too many people who have directed me away from honesty, and told me to mute the bad bits, because people don’t want to hear about what it’s truly like to suffer these conditions, and the only people who do know, are the ones who are actually suffering them. But now I want to put a stop to this. I figure, if people want a sugar coated version, then they won’t read this. The truth is, these conditions suck big time. My life has be devastated in so many ways since my diagnosis, then amputation, then rediagnosis, and then getting fibromyalgia on top. I have lost my job as an NHS nurse. I have been bullied by people I called friends, I have lost friends. I have suffered years of discrimination and been called a pain med junkie by the people I used to work around. I have suffered so much indignity, that I can’t remember what dignity is. Yet through all of this, I have realised some important things. My wife, is the most incredible person I have ever met. She has stuck by my side through thick and thin. When pain is at its worst, she is there. When I’m almost screaming, and crying, and talking about ending it all, she makes me laugh and reminds me how much I have to live for.

I know I’m not alone in all of this. There are so many people out there like me. We don’t talk about how we battle every day just to make it through. We don’t say when we have to cancel appointments and dates with friends that every time it chips away at your very soul. We don’t say when we want someone to bash us over the head with a very large bat, just to make the pain go away for a moment! Because it never does. Not ever. Not for one second. I live in a constant 8/10 pain score. As do so many others with CRPS. Then there’s the fibromyalgia, which pops up when you least want it to to add to the pain. Along with it is debilitating lethargy, nausea, migranes and generally feeling like you have the flu. So, yep it all sux.

Yet again, through all of this I have found some amazing things, and people along the way. I have made some wonderful friends, some even part of this blog. I have 1 friend who has truly stuck by my side throughout all of this, and she is wonderful. But other than that I have found a love of writing, and am still working through the edit of my 1st novel. I have found a way to adapt the sports I love, and manage to do them in a different way.

Yesterday I wheeled my furthest yet, almost 12 miles, in an hour and a half using my normal everyday wheelchair. Well on the way yo my first half marathon (yippee!!). Ahead of schedule. The bit you don’t see is today, laying on the sofa, unable to move. In agony, with a sick bowel by my side. I’ve been like this all day. Only now is the first time I could sit up. I’ve had cold packs on my head, heat packs on my neck, legs and stump. I’ve been sobbing, and feeling sorry for myself, and feeling so guilty because I had to miss my swimming session. But that is the nature of these illnesses. You have to take the good with the bad. You have to learn to appreciate every good day, and hope to God that they fall on those days that you need them the most.

Yesterday (top) & today (bottom!)

So, there you have it. I will be speaking out, and telling the truth. I don’t want to hide anymore and pretend that life is easy, because it isn’t, for anyone. Those without any medical problems suffer. Everyone does. We all have our struggles. In this digital age, it is cool to seem happy and perfect all of the time, but no one is. We all have problems, and life is hard. So speak out. Don’t be afraid to tell people that things aren’t always perfect. Own it. We are all human after all. And let’s face it, perfect is kinda boring!! 👌

Progress…

So, in the past couple of weeks I have been making some good progress in training. I have also added another 2 events to the calendar. The Cardiff summer half marathon on the 3rd of July and The Rehabilitation Triathlon for amputee veterans in Plymouth on 23rd June. Both great events, and right in between the others. This brings the official total to 7 events, although there will be a number of virtual ones as well. On theat subject, I managed to complete the niagra falls conquer challenge yesterday, 113km in 29 days. I was very happy with this, as I’ve had to have almost 2 weeks off from training with various flares.

Out an about training.

So, I have had some questions about the gloves which I wear for wheeling. I purchase work gloves from ebay, which retail from £2-7 per pair depending on the thickness. The orange ones in the photo below are warm lined and waterproof, which is brilliant for the winter. The red ones come in various types, and you can bulk buy. They are great for warmer weather, and when it is very warm, I lop off the fingers and hey presto, perfect summer wheeling gloves which virtually eliminate blisters. They are all gripped with a form of latex which is perfect for wheeling.

As for post workout nutrition, I use a sports drink to replace lost electrolytes. Very important if you want to avoid cramp, or other more potential serious health problems caused by an imbalance of electrolytes. I use High 5 as it is gluten and sugar free. Food wise, I’m a bit of a sucker for midget gems, so normally have 50g of them, and some form of protein and carbs, such as a protein bar.

As mentioned, I have now finished my 4th challenge with #theconquerchallenges. They are great fun to do, and really keep that motivation up. I have also now included handcycling, swimming and weights at the gym to my weekly program. I do have a day off a week, and sometimes more when my body dictates it so. Probably the most annoying part of CRPS (next to the pain) is the how unpredictable it is. Also Fibromyalgia follows the same trend = completely unpredictable. Although I have found a couple of triggers, which are so important to identify. I have discovered that cigarette smoke, and pungent hair spray, as well as post menstrual hormone changes are a big trigger for me. These three put me out of training for a week at a time. With CRPS, my biggest trigger is sugar and stress. Also anything touching my leg. So I have to almost wrap myself in cotton wool, and behave, just so I can train. I have had to give up alot of other pursuits to complete this year’s challenges, but it will be worth it, and I’m hoping Blesma will reap the benefits of my labour.

Yesterdays wheel (above), & medals so far 😊

It’s 6 weeks before my first event. My lovely wife will be doing the first 2 with me (running), which will be wonderful. It will be the first time we have both started on the same start line, and her first ever events. I am so happy to be able to share this with her. So, off to do some more training today. Wish me luck!

…inspite of CRPS & fibromyalgia…

So, what’s this all about? Well, as you may know by now, I have CRPS and Fibromyalgia. As you may also know, I’m training to do a series of events this year using my normal everyday wheelchair, including the London marathon. I get lots of questions around the subject of how I manage to do all of the training for this and keep on with my other stuff. Some of you may know that I’m trying to be a writer, and am now going through the 4th rewrite of my novel, following an amazing manuscript assessment from Jericho writers. I am also a part time wildlife artist, with work in a few galleries. So, spinning a few plates!

Some of my artwork 😍

So how do you keep going when illness, and pain is constantly slamming doors in your face, telling you to stop right there, and sit down? I wish I had an easy fix to tell you. I am very stubborn. I get more stressed by self perceived failure, than pain and suffering. Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? I suspect I’m not the only person who feels this way. I suspect most people are the same. The fear of failure is such a powerful force. Don’t her me wrong, I am forced on a fairly regular basis to stop. I literally have no choice sometimes. When crps flares come along, believe me, anyone with it will agree, you can’t do anything else, other than roll about in a trance like state of agonising pain. So you kind of, have to stop then. Also, when the fibromyalgia decided to rear its ugly head, and bring a barrage of lovely symptoms, which I can only describe as, exhaustion to a level of virtual catatonia, extreme flu, and migranes… all at once. When this comes, again you have to stop. I’ve found that the only way to get through is to listen to your body on a daily basis, and do what you can, when you can.

Current training for the London marathon 💪

Take today for example. Yesterday, pictured above I was out training… Went to bed last night at a respectable 9:30pm. Then was awake at 3am in pain. I had to get up, and smother myself in bean bags, take my alloted amount of Oramorph, and wait for it to go back to its usual level. So I sat on the sofa, with a decaff coffee, watching Britain’s most evil killers (very interesting viewing at 3am!!). I sat and waited and waited. Eventually at 6am I was able to get a bit of sleep, but was up at 6:30am, as my body told my my usual medication was due! (Amazing how it likes to do that!). So my plan today of wheeling a 10k, and getting on with my character revision for my novel, has gone out of the window. Spending most of the day attached to the sofa, trying my best not to waste the time, when I need to be the most active and allert.

Not looking too good at 3am… oh new hair BTW!

So the answer I have, is to listen to your body and not push it. If it’s telling you to stop, often you have no choice in the matter, so do… Don’t fight it, just take it as it is… Everything is a marathon, not a sprint, so use the off days as best you can, and try not to let them get you down. It is difficult. I struggle with them, but I’m learning all the time, the same as everyone else with these conditions.

London marathon here we come…

https://blesma.enthuse.com/pf/lexi-chambers-799fb

Above is hopefully the link to my fundraising page for Blesma. So, you may have read on pervious posts that I plan to complete a series of events this year to raise money for Blesma. As you also may have read, this charity is very close to my heart. They have helped me and my family so much since my amputation. So I feel it is only right to try to give back. Last week I received the wonderful news that I have been accepted to complete the London marathon as part of #team blesma. I am so honoured to have been selected. I am hoping to raise at least £2000 for them. I have set a fundraising page to include all the events I plan on completing this year. I will be completing 2 half marathons, 2 marathons and a Triathlon. On top of this I will be completing a number of virtual events. All of this will be completed using my normal everyday wheelchair, my Quickie Argon 2. I have heard that I will be the first woman to complete a marathon using a normal wheelchair like this. I know lots of women have completed a magnitude of distances using a sport chair, but not their day one. Maybe I’m the only person crazy enough to try! Ha ha!

Here she is… The chair which I will be self propelling all those miles…

I have set up a Facebook page, titled the same, and shared my page amongst my 400 Facebook friends, yet so far only received 1 donation, and I can’t thank that lovely chap enough. I am hoping my page may be shared far and wide so that I can raise as much as I can for such a wonderful charity for limbless veterans.

I will be keeping everyone updated along the way of this journey. My CRPS and Fibromyalgia are going to definitely present a challenge, but I am extremely motivated and have longed to complete a marathon and Triathlon for years. It was whilst training for these events over 8 years ago that my feet began to hurt, which led to my 1st surgery, which led to my CRPS, which 8 surgeries later, led to my amputation, which brings us back to my having crps again! So, if you can’t run it…wheel it!

Flare ups…

If you have CRPS, this term is something which you will be all too familiar with. For those who are not so familiar, it is where your ordinary pain level escalates to the unbearable! For me, using the ordinary pain scale of 0 being no pain and 10 being the worst ever, I live at a permanent 7-8/10. When I have a flare this escalates to 10++. Now, you may wonder how you can get worse than 10, the worst ever. Well, this is simple. Just when you think you’ve reached the worse pain you’ve ever had, crps has a way of letting you know that you were wrong, and there is always more to be suffered!

So that is what a flare up is. Now the worst part of it for me is the fact that it dictates what I can and can’t do. When it’s bad, I can’t do anything. I basically roll about crying, and try my best to do my mindfulness. When it’s a semi flare, so basically a 9 or 10 on occasion. It fluctuates between the 2, this is the most annoying. I get these alot. I’m having one right now. Today I was hoping to go for a wheel, write more of my book and had a few chores to do. But instead all I’m capable of is laying on the sofa, with stumpey covered in heat packs. I feel totally useless, and hate the fact that it is dictating what I am aloud to do today! There is no way I can write my book, as it is so important that I get it right. It is set in the victorian era, and so requires alot of research, which is something that is rather difficult when you are such a high level of pain.

I hate this condition dictating my life. Because I am recovering from the TMR surgery, I am having more flares than usual. While the nerves are finding somewhere to go, and causing a ton of pain in the process, they set off the crps. I was told this before the surgery, and was told it could last for 6-12 months…Well I’m now on month 3…I’m so hoping for the 6 minimum, but with my luck, it will likely be the 12. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just speaking of reality.

Reality!!

So what can be done in these situations? It is so easy to let them drag you into the pits of despair, and believe me, I’ve been there all to often. Every time, I wonder when it will end, and worry of them beginning. There’s nothing more annoying than having to tell a friend who wants to see you, for the 20th time, that your going to have to cancel! I have lost so many friends because of my flares. But what I realised was they were not very good friends to begin with, or they would still be around, and be understanding! Still doesn’t stop it hurting at the time! So now, I try to accept the situation. I lay on the sofa, and try as best as I can to relax, and wait for the flare to end. Then on the days when I can, I try my damndest to use them as fully as I can. I make sure I exercise, weather it be swimming, handcycling, wheeling or going to the gym. I write as much as I can, and I try to do some household stuff. I feel useless if I don’t. I love a tidy and clean house!

So basically what I’m trying to say is, don’t beet yourself up for not making appointments or meetings with friends. If they don’t understand, they are not true friends! Remember if your having a flare, you need to rest. So take the advantage to catch up on a box set or watch some movies. Try as best as you can to be kind to yourself. They are part of the condition, and although they are the worst part, it doesn’t mean they have to take over who you are. You are strong, and you know they will end.

I hope your having a good pain day 😁

TMR progress…

I’ve now been in hospital 9 days. 8 days post op. Had my TMR (Targeted Muscle Reinnervation) surgery on Thursday last week. Had a bit of a rocky ride since then. My pain levels sky rocketed and not much seemed to bring it down, other than visits from an anaesthetist to put a bolus (big volume) of local anaesthetic into the catheter (tube) which was placed during surgery to administer constant local anaesthetic into my leg. We now think that the catheter was rubbing directly on a nerve, so causing more pain. So yesterday, the Dr’s had a pow-wow and decided to take the catheter out. The hope being that the pain would get better. It did with movement, but not anything else, intact it sky rocketed further. I spent the day screaming in pain. Never felt anything so bad. My CRPS was flaring, and my leg was killing, so it was back to theatre to have a new nerve catheter placed.

Pre and post op

Now, the next morning, there is a significant improvement. My pain is back to its normal level. Which is amazing. Along with the pain before, the Dr’s tried a few new medicines. Wish we hadn’t, as they all seemed to cause the same reaction… Sudden Tachycardia (high heart rate over 100 bpm) and light headedness. One of them dropped my BP as well, and another caused extreme shaking all over my body. This happened 6 times in total. Rather scary. So now, today, I will be happy just to have a day with less pain, and no complications.

Pin cushion!

So now I’m still in East Grinstead hospital. I have to say, the staff are all absolutely amazing. Completely different to any other hospital stay I’ve had. They actually believe you when you say that your in pain. They don’t try to kick you out just because they are convinced you should be going home now! Unlike another hospital. Who decided that after a week, I shouldn’t be in as much pain as I was, and started to get quite impatient with me for being in pain!

Here is what hospital treatment should be like. Where nurses actually care, and no one makes you feel like your a burden. I’d actually consider moving here, just for better treatment! So, fingers and toes crossed for the next few days, and with no more blips, hopefully I will start to recover nicely.

Dying for treatment!!

What crps look’s like! I’ve always been against showing stumpey, but to show people is to help them understand. I am not ashamed of stumpey!

Anyone with a chronic pain condition can testify that the road to successful treatment can be somewhat of a minefield, when you have more than one condition. This minefield becomes even more chaotic when Doctors can only see one condition, and deny the possibility, or sheer presence of another. Case in point – I have CRPS in my left stump. I also have this other, yet to be diagnosed issue. I saw a lovely Doctor (finally!!) Who I must say, seemed a little out of his depth, but couldn’t see past the CRPS. No matter how many different ways I explained the different types of pain I’m in, he just kept going back to the CRPS. Frustration doesn’t cover how I felt! On the day, I had my wife with me; and my Blesma representative (amazing veterans amputee charity) wrote a detailed email prior to my appointment, explaining the circumstances. Yet with two advocates, he still seemed to be blinkered to the possibility of something else. I started to feel like an orange ribbon, like the emblem of CRPS charities, and that’s all people see. The prosthetists, the physio, and now the 1st Doctor I’ve seen face to face (other than my GP, who is amazing!).

Symptoms of CRPS.

I am a registered nurse, and throughout my career I have been used to the medical terminology used, and how things work within the NHS, and am yet to receive any tests, or treatments, or interventions of any kind. Instead, I’ve been passed from pillar to post, around the roundabout and house’s, getting nowhere! Meanwhile, the pain and effects of pain, are taking away the enjoyable parts of my life. So I can’t help but worry what happens to those who don’t have an advocate, or a realisation of what should be happening? It’s not easy to speak up, and describe your own condition when your Doctor is telling you that what you are saying is rubbish! When they can’t see past your ‘other’ condition; or are simply out of their depth. How many people out there are desperate? Desperate for treatment? Desperate for someone to listen; really listen to them, so they can have their pain investigated and have a chance of a meaningful life. I have been a nurse for 14 years and have had the privilege of working with some magnificent Doctors and specialists, but I know first hand that anyone can slip through the cracks, or be ignored, or even not believed! This, despite the mantra which all us care givers are taught to abide – “pain is what the patient says it is”. Not all health professionals remember this! Instead we often get labeled as ‘junkies who are just after medication’, or they sometimes go to the other end of the spectrum by medicating, and medicating some more; chucking a plaster over it, instead of diagnosing it!

How many people with pain conditions have reached the point of absolute frustration? If a person is telling their care giver that they are in pain, isn’t it their duty to investigate why? And to treat them. If they refuse to do so, or ignore them; isn’t this pure medical negligence? When, my Mum was in agony with a variety of conditions, she said to me “If I was a dog, they would put me down”, yet we are left, suffering! These people who are responsible for leaving us with such suffering are basically condemning us to death, One way or another! When your pain is horrific and no-one will listen, or help… what else can you do? I was extremely worried and shocked when I learnt that according to a web based survey, 20% of CRPS sufferers had attempted suicide, and 46.4% reported suicidal intentions. This is shockingly 6x higher than those with depression, according to a psychiatry study. With statistics such as these, for my condition alone; can Doctors really justify their ignorance to people who are in pain? I would be lying if I said I hadn’t considered it. Especially with the pain of flare ups, and frustration of no intervention and poor treatment!

According to oatext.com, and I should imagine, anyone with a chronic pain condition – “chronic pain patients are at elevated risk of suicide”. Shouldn’t those who refuse to treat, refuse to listen, refuse to test, to diagnose, to intervene, be held accountable for their actions? Instead of leaving us to suffer? Shouldn’t they be referring us to those who do know how to treat our conditions? Those who may be interested! Isn’t that the definition of ‘proper care?’. Not condemning us to a life of suffering!

The Surgery

Photos taken before and after my surgery.

As you can tell, I finally got a new date. I was to go into hospital on the 01st of April 2019. Typical, I thaught. April fools day. Says it all really! The couple of months leading up to this date were really hard. Things took a steady decline, and I was in more pain than I could handle. So when the date finally came, it was such a relief. The plan was to go in to hospital on the 01st and have my amputation on the 04th. My surgeon wanted to get me in early so that they could get my pain under control before the surgery.

So I sat in hospital and waited, and waited, and waited, then got dressed for my block in my leg that was going to relieve my pain, but this was cancelled. So I waited some more, and before I knew it, it was the night before my amputation, and still no block. Well this was a bit disappointing. My surgeon was equally dissapointed. The pain doctor diddnt book me in for the block, like she was supposed to, so I had to be put on the emergency list. But there was always bigger emergencies than my block (which I understood).

The night before surgery was absolutely fine. I thought that I wouldnt sleep. But I had my usual amount of a few hours around pain killers. I was 1st on the list, so my wife came to the hospital first thing. We sat and waited, and waited, and waited, and then all of a sudden a friend arrived who I used to work with in theatre. She had come to take me. It was so strange. Almost all of the staff were ones who I used to work with. From the lady who collected me, the scrub nurse, my surgeon, and my anaesthetist. I was in the anaesthetic room for a while. I was really nervous about the block, but it was fine. I diddnt feel much at all. Once that was done I dont remember much. Normally I remembered the bit just before I went to sleep, but this time I diddnt. I remember waking up though.

Just after my surgery. Back on the ward.

I woke up in recovery in what I can describe as absolute agony, but with itchy toes too! (Strange considering they were no longer there). The block had worked on half of my leg, but not the other half. I was told this may happen. (I should know by now, that if there is a complication, I will probably get it!). The recovery nurse was also one of my old nursing friends. She was great. The anaesthetist came strate away and put up a morphine pump. This helped a bit, but not much. It made me sleepy. But id been living on a high dose of morphine for years leading up to this, so it was not very effective. I spent what felt like, forever in more pain than I thought possable. The doctors and anaesthetist coming in and out of my bed space. They eventually took me back to the anaesthetic room, and did another block. But this still diddnt help. I was still in alot of pain. My wife took a picture of me when I was quite bad. (As you can see below. Not my best look!). That night was just awful. Doctors were coming in as my blood pressure was really low and my heart rate high. This was mainly because of the pain and morphine. Alot of that day was spent in pain. I eventually saw a lovely anaesthetist who decided to do an epidural.

Before the surgery I was given the option of a block or epidural. I opted for a block as I felt that the risks of epidural were too high for me, with the fact that I seemed to get complications with every surgery. But after spending over 24 hours in writhing agony, I quickly changed my mind. I just wanted the pain to go. So back to the anaesthetic room I went.

Not too flatering, but this was when I was in alot of pain!

I felt the pain ease after a few minutes. I was so much happier. I still had pain, but not as much. So, this is how I spent the next 5 days. Which is the maximum amount of time that an epidural can stay in. The doctors had to keep topping up the epidural as I was still in alot of pain. But it was gradually easing. Then the day arrived for my epidural to come out. I was warned that one of the side effects was something called an epidural headaiche. I diddnt think much of it at the time, but of course, in true Lexi fashion, 12 hours after the epidural was removed my head was killing. It was unbearable. Id had migranes before, but this was far worse. I kept vomiting every time I moved. No pain medication helped. So again, I was a conundrum. Nurses and doctors kept trying their best to help, but nothing did. It did takethe focus off my leg though.

So I spent over 24 house writhing in agony, again! Then eventually a nurse put up IV paracetamol, and I was given an anti sickness injection, and The pain went. We will never know if it was this combination, or it was just time for it to end, but end it did. Oh my goodness, I was so happy. The next morning, the physio came and got me out of bed and I wheeled myself in the wheelchair they had given me, to the cafe amd back. I thaught Id go for a coffee. But then disabled life showed me my 1st limitation. I couldnt reach the bloomin cups! So I settled for a 7up. The sense of achievement was just amazing. I was mobile again, and really happy.

Im mobile again 😁

From then to now!

I wanted to document my journey from before my amputation, when my life changed forever, to my decision to complete my Wheely big challenge.

Before all the surgery started and the pain followed, over 6 years ago, I was quite active and fit. I used to run (alot) and cycle, swim and climb, lift weights and play tennis. Id pretty much try most sports, and loved all of them. Then one day after a long run my left foot started to hurt. At this time my day job was as a Theatre Nurse at an Orthopaedic Surgery day surgery hospital. I asked one of the surgeons to look at my feet. He said I had hammer toes, and would require surgery to sort them out. I had seen this surgery alot, and scrubbed for it many times. Although it was quite brutal (orthopaedic surgery is. Its the carpentry of the medical world). So I saw my GP, who refered me to an Orthopaedic doctor. He took Xrays and said that 4 of my toes on both feet needed surgery. He opted to start on my left foot, as it was the worst one. He said that I could either wait for surgery, or have it done now. He advised that it would be better to do it sooner than later, as I was young and fit, and would heel well. He said I should be back to running within 3 months. So I had the surgery. It took considerably longer than the 45 minute surgeries that I had been part of. Mine took about 3 hours. I was told this was because my foot was hard to dissect.

So I went home that day, and felt fine. I had a block in my foot to make it numb for a few days. When the block ran out I was in quite alot of pain, but managed to handle it ok. It wasnt until about week 12 that I started to think that something was not quite right. My woulds healed fine, and the bones fused, but I was still in alot of pain. As the Nurse put it, a disproportionate level of pain to the stage of healing which I was at. So I started to think I must be a complete wimp. Others were walking without crutches by now, and I was still completely dependant on them. I remember at about 14 weeks, taking a trip to Sainsburys, and whilst crutching my way around, I saw one of the Orthopaedic Nurses who was involved with my surgery. He hollared across the shop, “you should be off those by now”. Well, this made me feel terrable. I started to think that the pain must all be in my head, and that I had to get off my crutches.

At this point I was still on alot of pain killers and could not reduce them, if I wanted to sleep!. So I stayed on them. I could not reduce them. I started trying to get used to pain, and trying to walk without my crutches. After 8 months I had no choice but to go back to work as a Nurse. Pay had run out and we were facing living in a cardboard box if I diddnt. So I went back, but has to reduce my hours from full time, to 22 hours a week. A huge pay cut, but better than no pay at all.

Work was hard. Alot of walking, and although the Nursing profession is supposed to be a caring one, after being off for the whole of summer, I found that there was not much compassion at all, and alot of comments like “enjoyed your summer off did you? “, “it’s alright for some, being off all summer!”. This made life for me quite difficult. I had always been a very competant Nurse. I had alot of experiance in scrubbing for very complex surgeries, and so when my training and development was halted (“because id had surgery, and been off for so long”). This was a little hard to take. Especially as my foot was getting worse. I diddnt tell anyone. I was hoping it would just start getting better. But it diddnt.

So after being back at work for a couple of months I requested to see a new Orthopaedic surgeon. I was convinved that something must have happened in the surgery, because it took so long, and that must be why I was still in pain. So I thaught that a second opinion was best. I was refered to a lovely Doctor. Not that my other one wasnt nice, because he was, but this chap made me feel very comfortable and at ease, and put my mind at rest that the pain was not in my head. He took more xrays and saw that the toes id had fused, had not fused entirely straite, and I needed the same surgery again (a revision). So I had this done. I remember waking up in alot of pain. The poor nurses in recovery struggled to get on top of it. Eventually after having most of the pain medications in the drug cupboard, and after being in hospital all day, I went home with more pain medications.

The recovery was pretty much the same as the first surgery. My foot in a large bandage. An appointment to have my stitches out. Me explaining that I was in alot of pain. More than before. Being told it would get better, and that I just had to be patient. It diddnt get better. I was off work for 10 months this time. All the while, trying to adapt myself to being in pain, and accepting that this was going to be my new life.

So after 10 months I returned to work. The same reception met me as before. I started to feel like I was being punished for being off sick. So the last thing I needed was to still be in pain and having to have more surgery. Id spend every day at work trying not to limp. I certainly would not complain.

But as before, after trying my hardest to live with the pain, it became unbearable. Alot of it was centred around 1 toe. It was migrating to the left. So I had surgery to remove the joint. This diddnt work, so I asked my doctor to remove the toe. This still didnt work, and the pain was moving to the next toe. Well, all over the foot, but I thaught it was around that toe. So I asked for that one to be removed too. This was done in April 2018.

This was my last Orthopaedic surgery before my leg was amputated. Needless to say, I had been off work alot, and although at this point I had been there for 7 years, people who had just started and been there for 6 months, made more career progression than I was aloud. So life was pretty rubbish.

Im hospital 3 days to amputation

I was fed up with being in pain. Fed up of not being able to run. Fed up of my life taking a path that I had not planned for. So I decided that I wanted my foot off. This was causing all of my pain. I was living on maximum pain killers. Not sleeping. Could not walk at all, and I was getting to the point of being totally dependant on being wheelchair bound. I could not have my foot dangling at all as it was too painful. I was asked alot what the pain was like. Id simply say ” have you ever stubbed your toe, and remember that gut wrenching pain that makes you want to throw up?”. Well it was like that, all of the time.

The stages of my foot decline 😁