Truth about training with chronic pain conditions…

When I began this blog a few years ago, I wanted to tell my story of what my new life was like as a below knee amputee. It then began to converge into a blog about having crps again, and the changes that meant for my life. Along the way, I hoped to inspire and help others suffering with the same and similar conditions, that being disabled isn’t the end of the world. It doesn’t have to be. Yes we all get really bad days. I’m having one today. But the main focus of this was to be brutally honest about what my new life is like. Somewhere along the way I have listened to too many people who have directed me away from honesty, and told me to mute the bad bits, because people don’t want to hear about what it’s truly like to suffer these conditions, and the only people who do know, are the ones who are actually suffering them. But now I want to put a stop to this. I figure, if people want a sugar coated version, then they won’t read this. The truth is, these conditions suck big time. My life has be devastated in so many ways since my diagnosis, then amputation, then rediagnosis, and then getting fibromyalgia on top. I have lost my job as an NHS nurse. I have been bullied by people I called friends, I have lost friends. I have suffered years of discrimination and been called a pain med junkie by the people I used to work around. I have suffered so much indignity, that I can’t remember what dignity is. Yet through all of this, I have realised some important things. My wife, is the most incredible person I have ever met. She has stuck by my side through thick and thin. When pain is at its worst, she is there. When I’m almost screaming, and crying, and talking about ending it all, she makes me laugh and reminds me how much I have to live for.

I know I’m not alone in all of this. There are so many people out there like me. We don’t talk about how we battle every day just to make it through. We don’t say when we have to cancel appointments and dates with friends that every time it chips away at your very soul. We don’t say when we want someone to bash us over the head with a very large bat, just to make the pain go away for a moment! Because it never does. Not ever. Not for one second. I live in a constant 8/10 pain score. As do so many others with CRPS. Then there’s the fibromyalgia, which pops up when you least want it to to add to the pain. Along with it is debilitating lethargy, nausea, migranes and generally feeling like you have the flu. So, yep it all sux.

Yet again, through all of this I have found some amazing things, and people along the way. I have made some wonderful friends, some even part of this blog. I have 1 friend who has truly stuck by my side throughout all of this, and she is wonderful. But other than that I have found a love of writing, and am still working through the edit of my 1st novel. I have found a way to adapt the sports I love, and manage to do them in a different way.

Yesterday I wheeled my furthest yet, almost 12 miles, in an hour and a half using my normal everyday wheelchair. Well on the way yo my first half marathon (yippee!!). Ahead of schedule. The bit you don’t see is today, laying on the sofa, unable to move. In agony, with a sick bowel by my side. I’ve been like this all day. Only now is the first time I could sit up. I’ve had cold packs on my head, heat packs on my neck, legs and stump. I’ve been sobbing, and feeling sorry for myself, and feeling so guilty because I had to miss my swimming session. But that is the nature of these illnesses. You have to take the good with the bad. You have to learn to appreciate every good day, and hope to God that they fall on those days that you need them the most.

So, there you have it. I will be speaking out, and telling the truth. I don’t want to hide anymore and pretend that life is easy, because it isn’t, for anyone. Those without any medical problems suffer. Everyone does. We all have our struggles. In this digital age, it is cool to seem happy and perfect all of the time, but no one is. We all have problems, and life is hard. So speak out. Don’t be afraid to tell people that things aren’t always perfect. Own it. We are all human after all. And let’s face it, perfect is kinda boring!! 👌

Fibro it is then!

Yep, as the title suggests, I have now been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia as well! I must admit, that although I knew it was a possibility, when the words fell from the lips of my Gp, it hit like a baseball bat to the face! I went home, sat, and cried! Now I don’t normally cry much. The only things which draw me to tears are the extreme pain of a crps flare, thinking about the death of my beloved cat, Winkeypoo, and seeing any sence of animal cruelty. But this, for some reason floored me. To have another incurable pain condition? I mean, what did I do in a previous life? Am I Jack the ripper incarnate? I’m starting to think so!

So what is Fibromyalgia, for those of you how are unaware of this bundle of fun. According to NHS.uk ‘Fibromyalgia is a condition that causes widespread pain and extreme tiredness.’ It is that, but there are a few more symptoms to keep one on their toes! For me, I started to realise there was a problem when I was spending time with my friend. She smokes when drinking, so when we meet up, both her and her partner would be opposite me smoking away, and following this I was ending up with a chronic migrane and then at least 5 days of feeling like I had the worst flu ever. I couldn’t move off the sofa. The migrane was relentless and I felt in pain all over. I thought the first time that I had the flu! Then after the 4th time of the same thing happening, I realised it was the smoke that was making this happen! Now I had a bigger problem, how could I tell my good friend that her smoking was making me sick? Well, the answer to that is that I still haven’t (chicken, I know! I will soon!). So needless to say, I knew there was a problem. It was when a friend suggested it that I began reading around it, and saw that smoke can be a trigger for a Fibromyalgia flare up! Hurrah I felt! There’s my answer! But then came the dread! I didn’t want it to be true. But I had to find out. So I spoke to my GP who organised blood tests and a Fibromyalgia test. Well, following all this there was no doubt!

So, what now you may ask? Well…nothing! The treatments are all the same as the ones I have for crps, which don’t really work! I can’t take half the medications necessary to help with some of the issues due to be allergic to them, so it’s a case of learning and self management! As I’ve already been waiting over 2 years for an appointment with exeter pain team, I won’t even bother them with this…its clear that they have no interest in helping me at all. I’m lucky that I have a good GP. He is wonderful.

So for now, I will carry on as before. I’ve managed to complete my 11k for Blesma, and have a 5k on the 2nd of December, where we all dress as santa and run, or wheel in my case around the streets of Exeter, so that should be fun.

Oh, this happened! I had a two double page spread written about me in the blesma magazine. I was so humbled by what they wrote. It was so lovely and kind. I’m so glad that I could be part of getting TMR surgery notariety. I am still recovering from my surgery, but seeing some positive results. I can wear my leg for a few minutes now. I know I will never be able to wear it all of the time, but at least 20% will be lovely.

So for now, I am hoping that this new part to my life will not overtake the wishes I have. I believe that we can overcome most things. It is never easy, and this illness has knocked me for six, but there are things I want put of my life, and I will have to make some adjustments, but hopefully desire will prevail! (Fingers crossed!!).

So good to be home.

I’m home, as you may have guessed from the title. I finally made it home at 7pm on Tuesday. I think it was probably the longest discharge in history! Saw the Dr’s o Tuesday Morning at approximately 9am. They said they’d have me ready for lunch time!!! My wife made her way after work at 2pm. I ended up sending her home before she even made it to the hospital, knowing I was nowhere near discharge. I had gotten myself dressed, and my bag was packed. By 3pm I gave up, and my pyjamas were back on!! 🤣 My wife then remade her way at 5pm, as we were told that things were ready! At 7pm finally I was discharged. I waited 10 hours for a discharge letter and a few tablets! But, to be honest, I didn’t care. By the time I got through my front door, and into my pyjamas again, and was cuddling my little Lily, nothing else mattered.

My experience on Wynard ward was thankfully very different to the disastrous 13 hours on AMU. All of the staff were lovely. I had a fantastic student, and I wish I remembered her name, (I’ve always been useless with names!), but she was incredible for her level. She’s only a few weeks away from qualifying, and I’ve met nurses who have been qualified for years who don’t sho her professionalsm, level of caring or expertise. She will make a fantastic nurse. I do know she had a job already, and will be mentored in it by my best friend from university, which is amazing. The Nurses were all lovely. The endless cannula attempts. I think I counted 24 attempts in total! My veins completely gave up, and ran for the hills!!

I am still a little weak, and on antibiotics. Am very much looking forward to getting back to training. My lovely wife joined David Lloyd whilst I was in hospital, so I can swim again. In a pool which will not be overcrowded. It also has a handbike in the gym. I’m hoping to do my first swim on Saturday, all being well. I’m also going through classification for Triathlon for next year. There’s one in May which I’d like to do. As for my half marathon on the 5th of September! I’m going to have to see how I get on with training. I’m desperate to do it, but I know I’ve been through alot in the past 6 weeks, so have to build up slowly, and accept it if I can’t do it. I will find another to do instead! So for now, I’m trying my best to eat when I can, and stretching. The antibiotics make appetite a challenge, and make me very nautious, so the only thing I can stomach at the moment is toast, cereal and midget gems!! Not the best diet for fitness!!! But again, I’m home…. 😁😁